Depression, Post Relationship Pain

I feel almost as if I could be slipping back into my depression, I'm constantly struggling to fight it. Although it went un diagnosed the entire time I had it from when I was 13 to the time I was about 15 and a half. It was severe when I was confused about what was going on with me not knowing why I liked a girl, but once I discovered what I am, the winter before my 15th birthday, I only had mild depression, mainly because I was stuck halfway in the closet ( I told friends but not my family yet) so I was scared at home, I hid anything and everything that I thought was gay, the simplest emblem of anything rainbow, the word gay or bisexual or lesbian was whispered out of my mouth like a train would hit me upon the word leaving my mouth, so when I spoke of my issues, confusion, or known sexuality to a friend, I took both house phones into my room with the door locked to insure my absolute secrecy. I told my friends not to mention anything I had ever told them about it, at my home, I was depressed. I hid my morbid horrific and suicidal poetry in hot pink suede seat boxes under my window, and within those enormous stacks of detailed poetry, both sexual and depressed and suicidal, was hidden  underneath another box, under plain paper, turned downwards, at the very bottom to conceal itself. And now, once again, since so much has happened, I am spiraling downwards. And I know it, because just as before with the severe depression, I played it off during the day, at school and such. I used to smile all day and feel fine, but on the inside be thinking "why am I confused? Why do i think this way?" and have torturous conflicting feelings and thoughts, but distract myself with the very girl who had ignited my sexual confusion, because it was easier that way- easier to be distracted from the real problem at bay. It's always easier that way than to show other people during the day that you are depressed, when, you are too afraid to admit you may not be straight like you thought and you are just a scared little 13 year old girl, fearing religious torture, hell, not being approved of, self conflict, terror, homophobia, hatred, isolation, and losing everyone you knew and cared about because of it, and not wanting to disappoint them or society. So, it was just easier to pretend that nothing at all abnormal was going on personally, because I thought it was abnormal at the time, when really it's not. Now I feel similar, not exactly the same, but, I'm feeling the urge to replace a very important person in my life, well not entirely, but in a romantic way, to fill the empty hole in which they unthreaded to make within me. So I am feeling the need to excessively flirt and feel like others care and like me, not saying they do not, but, since none of these flirtations are progressing very far as I'd like them to, say to turn into a relationship, it's making me feel not undesirable, but lonely, is love not a mutual thing I may abtain? I have so far before, but it didn't last anywhere past our hearts, but not our actions after all the excessive fighting, thus, here I am with a broken heart that still like a nuisance beats continuing on though I wish it were not so, and my love lives by itself, unattended and un nurtured like a broken forgotten soul. Someone must care for it besides myself, and so in stride I search for that once more- even if I am not ready for it again, I have to.

Getting Gay Bashed and Religious FREAKS!!

Hi! so i totally have no followers but I'm going to write anyways because people do read this. I haven't written in months here because I had to give up my school laptop before the summer break and now I have it back. So yeah, between my last post and now- I've been gay bashed. One night, a shit ton, some batshit crazy religious freak sent me anonymous texts off of  this site "textnow" or something like that (so it was either the app on their ipod or it was off of a computer. I never found out who it was but they called me a faggot, asked me to let them take me to church, told me I needed Jesus and that I was the spawn of Satan and to be ashamed. Course I gave them answers like "that's cool" and "if I wanted preaching I'd go to your effing church" and soooo on. they finally left me alone after I found out how to block the ipod number or the online account number. A few weeks later (like two days ago) this person sends me a private message on youtube politely letting me know that "God" forgives everyone "even bi sexuals" as stated in their words. He/she whoever gave me a link to a youtube video that "helped them" which of course I did not click on knowing the risks of unknown links from strangers, and when I replied saying that I had no interest but thanked them for their attempt, they were shocked as shit that I wasn't rude and they thanked me for my politeness (obviously they were expecting me to be an asshole). I'm still waiting on their reply, because then I said something along the lines of the fact that I wasn't going to be a jerk to a stranger trying to spread the word of their God and blah blah blah..... I only treated this person with respect because they treated me with genuine respect the entire time just voicing their opinion and concern, obviously convinced that they can reach people and change their sexuality. At least this one was nice unlike the previous one! But please, you fucking religious freaks stop contacting me, I don't give a shit, I'm gay in both ways (gay as in homosexual and gay as in happy!) so put your efforts elsewhere.