I miss this... :(
 

So it's 2:40am you know it, and it's been a while since I've written anything on here. Well right now I'm the single bisexual girl with nothing. Like, no friends with benefits, no sorta girlfriend, no girlfriend, no flirting friend. I'm single as fuck and I'm hating it. And yes I will bitch about it, because I always end up single and I don't like it. I'm willing to committ to a girl if she really likes me, but I just keep getting ignored and looked over and told I'm liked and then they go get a boyfriend like what the fuck? I mean, a girl will call me her babe and then two days later I call her like "Hey cutie whats up :) " and she's like "oh, I'm hanging out with my boyfriend-" uhh what the fuck? I'm always hurt, I really can committ to a girl and I wish a girl would see that, my last girl didn't really appreciate me but we fought a lot and I wasn't the best I should have been. I didn't control my anger problems and I lost someone who loved me, but she did wrong too. Well, I'm looking for a new girl to give my love and attention to and I'm shit out of luck. I wish I could find a girl who likes me because I did find someone but because I told her certain stuff she started ignoring me cuz it turned her off. Well I don't know what to do, I am a loyal, faithful girl and I would love to share a relationship with someone. I would love to find that girl. And I'm not gonna lie, I have flaws, I have an anger problem I am increasingly getting better at learning how to control, but I have a heart and I want to share it with somebody. </3

Quick Question

It's 2:14 in the morning so fuck it! I'm soooo tired of being played by beautiful girls, I mean is it even possible to find one beautiful girl that honestly likes me and doesn't wanna screw me over? No? That's what I thought. Is anyone else out there struggling with juggling women? Baha I sorta rhymed that, but anyways seriously is anyone else dealing with major player bitches????

Depression, Post Relationship Pain

I feel almost as if I could be slipping back into my depression, I'm constantly struggling to fight it. Although it went un diagnosed the entire time I had it from when I was 13 to the time I was about 15 and a half. It was severe when I was confused about what was going on with me not knowing why I liked a girl, but once I discovered what I am, the winter before my 15th birthday, I only had mild depression, mainly because I was stuck halfway in the closet ( I told friends but not my family yet) so I was scared at home, I hid anything and everything that I thought was gay, the simplest emblem of anything rainbow, the word gay or bisexual or lesbian was whispered out of my mouth like a train would hit me upon the word leaving my mouth, so when I spoke of my issues, confusion, or known sexuality to a friend, I took both house phones into my room with the door locked to insure my absolute secrecy. I told my friends not to mention anything I had ever told them about it, at my home, I was depressed. I hid my morbid horrific and suicidal poetry in hot pink suede seat boxes under my window, and within those enormous stacks of detailed poetry, both sexual and depressed and suicidal, was hidden  underneath another box, under plain paper, turned downwards, at the very bottom to conceal itself. And now, once again, since so much has happened, I am spiraling downwards. And I know it, because just as before with the severe depression, I played it off during the day, at school and such. I used to smile all day and feel fine, but on the inside be thinking "why am I confused? Why do i think this way?" and have torturous conflicting feelings and thoughts, but distract myself with the very girl who had ignited my sexual confusion, because it was easier that way- easier to be distracted from the real problem at bay. It's always easier that way than to show other people during the day that you are depressed, when, you are too afraid to admit you may not be straight like you thought and you are just a scared little 13 year old girl, fearing religious torture, hell, not being approved of, self conflict, terror, homophobia, hatred, isolation, and losing everyone you knew and cared about because of it, and not wanting to disappoint them or society. So, it was just easier to pretend that nothing at all abnormal was going on personally, because I thought it was abnormal at the time, when really it's not. Now I feel similar, not exactly the same, but, I'm feeling the urge to replace a very important person in my life, well not entirely, but in a romantic way, to fill the empty hole in which they unthreaded to make within me. So I am feeling the need to excessively flirt and feel like others care and like me, not saying they do not, but, since none of these flirtations are progressing very far as I'd like them to, say to turn into a relationship, it's making me feel not undesirable, but lonely, is love not a mutual thing I may abtain? I have so far before, but it didn't last anywhere past our hearts, but not our actions after all the excessive fighting, thus, here I am with a broken heart that still like a nuisance beats continuing on though I wish it were not so, and my love lives by itself, unattended and un nurtured like a broken forgotten soul. Someone must care for it besides myself, and so in stride I search for that once more- even if I am not ready for it again, I have to.

Getting Gay Bashed and Religious FREAKS!!

Hi! so i totally have no followers but I'm going to write anyways because people do read this. I haven't written in months here because I had to give up my school laptop before the summer break and now I have it back. So yeah, between my last post and now- I've been gay bashed. One night, a shit ton, some batshit crazy religious freak sent me anonymous texts off of  this site "textnow" or something like that (so it was either the app on their ipod or it was off of a computer. I never found out who it was but they called me a faggot, asked me to let them take me to church, told me I needed Jesus and that I was the spawn of Satan and to be ashamed. Course I gave them answers like "that's cool" and "if I wanted preaching I'd go to your effing church" and soooo on. they finally left me alone after I found out how to block the ipod number or the online account number. A few weeks later (like two days ago) this person sends me a private message on youtube politely letting me know that "God" forgives everyone "even bi sexuals" as stated in their words. He/she whoever gave me a link to a youtube video that "helped them" which of course I did not click on knowing the risks of unknown links from strangers, and when I replied saying that I had no interest but thanked them for their attempt, they were shocked as shit that I wasn't rude and they thanked me for my politeness (obviously they were expecting me to be an asshole). I'm still waiting on their reply, because then I said something along the lines of the fact that I wasn't going to be a jerk to a stranger trying to spread the word of their God and blah blah blah..... I only treated this person with respect because they treated me with genuine respect the entire time just voicing their opinion and concern, obviously convinced that they can reach people and change their sexuality. At least this one was nice unlike the previous one! But please, you fucking religious freaks stop contacting me, I don't give a shit, I'm gay in both ways (gay as in homosexual and gay as in happy!) so put your efforts elsewhere. 

Rant on Transgender Safety

Some gay people in our community piss me off. Like honestly, yes I am part of it, but gender annoys the fuck out of me when people mix with it. If I wanna be with a girl, I want her to look, talk, act, dress, and have the genitals of a girl. Plain, good old usual girl. As much as I support and like transgender people, I get annoyed, I would never date someone who either couldn't figure out what they were, or were both, or were switching what they were to match their feelings. Great for them, but I would never allow myself to be confused about what MY relationship meant, if it changed my sexuality or not, and to have all that fucking confusion. I am a girl, I am with a girl, end of story- simple, understood. No confusion there, she's got a vagina, so do I. Ok cool. There's no- she is but she isn't, or I am but I am not, we sort of are, no- fuck that. Transgender people do sometimes irritate the fuck out of me. Like, don't expect to be allowed to go into the women's bathroom if you have a penis, or vice versa- it's a fuckin safety concern, you can get raped!! People aren't discriminating against transgender people by doing that- if you look like a man, then of course people think you're a man and it'd scare the shit out of me if a man walked in to the women's bathroom- because why the fuck would I think he really had a vagina? Yeah no, I'd be thinking I'm going to get assaulted. Bathroom gender rules are to protect you!! So even if you look like a guy but you have a vagina, walk into the women's bathroom and if anyone says anything you say you are a woman transgender. duh. People are so stupid, they want to get hurt obviously

Rapping

Hey my Rainbowz :)

Check out my rapping on youtube at youtube.com/user/cerrayaslaughtrhouse and soundcloud where all my raps are located and just in audio www.soundcloud.com/cerrayaslaughtersyou :)

Update 4-27-12

Hey my Rainbowz :)

I still don't know if anyone is actually reading this out there, I haven't gotten any comments. However I will still write. I love the girl I told you about, she means everything to me. When you find love that's more important than yourself sometimes it feels. IDK, go with your heart.