I miss this... :(
 

So it's 2:40am you know it, and it's been a while since I've written anything on here. Well right now I'm the single bisexual girl with nothing. Like, no friends with benefits, no sorta girlfriend, no girlfriend, no flirting friend. I'm single as fuck and I'm hating it. And yes I will bitch about it, because I always end up single and I don't like it. I'm willing to committ to a girl if she really likes me, but I just keep getting ignored and looked over and told I'm liked and then they go get a boyfriend like what the fuck? I mean, a girl will call me her babe and then two days later I call her like "Hey cutie whats up :) " and she's like "oh, I'm hanging out with my boyfriend-" uhh what the fuck? I'm always hurt, I really can committ to a girl and I wish a girl would see that, my last girl didn't really appreciate me but we fought a lot and I wasn't the best I should have been. I didn't control my anger problems and I lost someone who loved me, but she did wrong too. Well, I'm looking for a new girl to give my love and attention to and I'm shit out of luck. I wish I could find a girl who likes me because I did find someone but because I told her certain stuff she started ignoring me cuz it turned her off. Well I don't know what to do, I am a loyal, faithful girl and I would love to share a relationship with someone. I would love to find that girl. And I'm not gonna lie, I have flaws, I have an anger problem I am increasingly getting better at learning how to control, but I have a heart and I want to share it with somebody. </3

Quick Question

It's 2:14 in the morning so fuck it! I'm soooo tired of being played by beautiful girls, I mean is it even possible to find one beautiful girl that honestly likes me and doesn't wanna screw me over? No? That's what I thought. Is anyone else out there struggling with juggling women? Baha I sorta rhymed that, but anyways seriously is anyone else dealing with major player bitches????

Depression, Post Relationship Pain

I feel almost as if I could be slipping back into my depression, I'm constantly struggling to fight it. Although it went un diagnosed the entire time I had it from when I was 13 to the time I was about 15 and a half. It was severe when I was confused about what was going on with me not knowing why I liked a girl, but once I discovered what I am, the winter before my 15th birthday, I only had mild depression, mainly because I was stuck halfway in the closet ( I told friends but not my family yet) so I was scared at home, I hid anything and everything that I thought was gay, the simplest emblem of anything rainbow, the word gay or bisexual or lesbian was whispered out of my mouth like a train would hit me upon the word leaving my mouth, so when I spoke of my issues, confusion, or known sexuality to a friend, I took both house phones into my room with the door locked to insure my absolute secrecy. I told my friends not to mention anything I had ever told them about it, at my home, I was depressed. I hid my morbid horrific and suicidal poetry in hot pink suede seat boxes under my window, and within those enormous stacks of detailed poetry, both sexual and depressed and suicidal, was hidden  underneath another box, under plain paper, turned downwards, at the very bottom to conceal itself. And now, once again, since so much has happened, I am spiraling downwards. And I know it, because just as before with the severe depression, I played it off during the day, at school and such. I used to smile all day and feel fine, but on the inside be thinking "why am I confused? Why do i think this way?" and have torturous conflicting feelings and thoughts, but distract myself with the very girl who had ignited my sexual confusion, because it was easier that way- easier to be distracted from the real problem at bay. It's always easier that way than to show other people during the day that you are depressed, when, you are too afraid to admit you may not be straight like you thought and you are just a scared little 13 year old girl, fearing religious torture, hell, not being approved of, self conflict, terror, homophobia, hatred, isolation, and losing everyone you knew and cared about because of it, and not wanting to disappoint them or society. So, it was just easier to pretend that nothing at all abnormal was going on personally, because I thought it was abnormal at the time, when really it's not. Now I feel similar, not exactly the same, but, I'm feeling the urge to replace a very important person in my life, well not entirely, but in a romantic way, to fill the empty hole in which they unthreaded to make within me. So I am feeling the need to excessively flirt and feel like others care and like me, not saying they do not, but, since none of these flirtations are progressing very far as I'd like them to, say to turn into a relationship, it's making me feel not undesirable, but lonely, is love not a mutual thing I may abtain? I have so far before, but it didn't last anywhere past our hearts, but not our actions after all the excessive fighting, thus, here I am with a broken heart that still like a nuisance beats continuing on though I wish it were not so, and my love lives by itself, unattended and un nurtured like a broken forgotten soul. Someone must care for it besides myself, and so in stride I search for that once more- even if I am not ready for it again, I have to.

Getting Gay Bashed and Religious FREAKS!!

Hi! so i totally have no followers but I'm going to write anyways because people do read this. I haven't written in months here because I had to give up my school laptop before the summer break and now I have it back. So yeah, between my last post and now- I've been gay bashed. One night, a shit ton, some batshit crazy religious freak sent me anonymous texts off of  this site "textnow" or something like that (so it was either the app on their ipod or it was off of a computer. I never found out who it was but they called me a faggot, asked me to let them take me to church, told me I needed Jesus and that I was the spawn of Satan and to be ashamed. Course I gave them answers like "that's cool" and "if I wanted preaching I'd go to your effing church" and soooo on. they finally left me alone after I found out how to block the ipod number or the online account number. A few weeks later (like two days ago) this person sends me a private message on youtube politely letting me know that "God" forgives everyone "even bi sexuals" as stated in their words. He/she whoever gave me a link to a youtube video that "helped them" which of course I did not click on knowing the risks of unknown links from strangers, and when I replied saying that I had no interest but thanked them for their attempt, they were shocked as shit that I wasn't rude and they thanked me for my politeness (obviously they were expecting me to be an asshole). I'm still waiting on their reply, because then I said something along the lines of the fact that I wasn't going to be a jerk to a stranger trying to spread the word of their God and blah blah blah..... I only treated this person with respect because they treated me with genuine respect the entire time just voicing their opinion and concern, obviously convinced that they can reach people and change their sexuality. At least this one was nice unlike the previous one! But please, you fucking religious freaks stop contacting me, I don't give a shit, I'm gay in both ways (gay as in homosexual and gay as in happy!) so put your efforts elsewhere. 

Rant on Transgender Safety

Some gay people in our community piss me off. Like honestly, yes I am part of it, but gender annoys the fuck out of me when people mix with it. If I wanna be with a girl, I want her to look, talk, act, dress, and have the genitals of a girl. Plain, good old usual girl. As much as I support and like transgender people, I get annoyed, I would never date someone who either couldn't figure out what they were, or were both, or were switching what they were to match their feelings. Great for them, but I would never allow myself to be confused about what MY relationship meant, if it changed my sexuality or not, and to have all that fucking confusion. I am a girl, I am with a girl, end of story- simple, understood. No confusion there, she's got a vagina, so do I. Ok cool. There's no- she is but she isn't, or I am but I am not, we sort of are, no- fuck that. Transgender people do sometimes irritate the fuck out of me. Like, don't expect to be allowed to go into the women's bathroom if you have a penis, or vice versa- it's a fuckin safety concern, you can get raped!! People aren't discriminating against transgender people by doing that- if you look like a man, then of course people think you're a man and it'd scare the shit out of me if a man walked in to the women's bathroom- because why the fuck would I think he really had a vagina? Yeah no, I'd be thinking I'm going to get assaulted. Bathroom gender rules are to protect you!! So even if you look like a guy but you have a vagina, walk into the women's bathroom and if anyone says anything you say you are a woman transgender. duh. People are so stupid, they want to get hurt obviously

Rapping

Hey my Rainbowz :)

Check out my rapping on youtube at youtube.com/user/cerrayaslaughtrhouse and soundcloud where all my raps are located and just in audio www.soundcloud.com/cerrayaslaughtersyou :)

Update 4-27-12

Hey my Rainbowz :)

I still don't know if anyone is actually reading this out there, I haven't gotten any comments. However I will still write. I love the girl I told you about, she means everything to me. When you find love that's more important than yourself sometimes it feels. IDK, go with your heart.

Perfectly Caught In The Middle

Who do I choose? Who do I love? Who do I really want anymore? It's a question for someone caught in the middle, like me- I am Cerraya; bisexual, and stuck perfectly in the middle of a decision. Love is not something you choose, or get to change your mind about (when it comes to who, that person is- that you love). Love is undoubtedly surprising, amazing, and horrible. I love someone very much, she is everything to me, but now lately I've been feeling a pull in the other direction- a boy. I've liked him for some while, but it was just a crush. Now it has developed into something stronger, he has been my friend for a while, and first I just called him my gay because he is bisexual- like myself. But somehow I started feeling more, I liked the way he would call me every night, how he started calling me Cerraya instead of Mckayla, before most people, and the way he pronounced it (as "Soar-I-Uh") when it really sounds like "Sir-A-Uh." I liked how  he hugged me for a longgggg time everytime I saw him at school, and how much he cared about me. Flirting was fun, but eventually things were awkward because I told him I liked him. Then I felt weird whenever I saw him because I couldn't act normal now, I was soooo worried about my appearance around him, even though he never judged me, I didn't want him to see me looking anything but gorgeous. He is the kind of guy to stare into your eyes when you speak to him, and he really listens. Maybe it is because he is a bisexual guy, so he doesn't feel the asshole-ness of straight guys who's eyes wander when you try to have a conversation with them... I don't know. I mean, if you like a guy- then if his eyes are wandering it's not exactly a bad thing, it can be a good thing. A guy who stares into your eyes when you talk to him though is a keeper and it makes me nervous. The whole time I talk to him I feel like he is absorbing every stupid little chick thing I say, so it worries me... What is he thinking the whole time as I go on and on? I have laughed out of anxiousness and tried to remain cute, wondering what he is thinking about everything... I hate it and I love it, and I get insecure if I know I am hanging out with him at school or if I see him. It's so dumb!! How am I supposed to understand if I love the girl I told you about if I am majorly crushing on him???? Is it normal to like someone yet love someone at the same time?? It's so confusing, is it possible? Is it wrong?

Can I really love two people at once? When only one loves me back?

4-2-12 (posted late) Do what makes you happy (:

Hello my rainbowzz!

Sitting in math class the day back from spring break is so boring. I despise geometry. 

Today I am meeting with my friend whom I haven't met yet, her and I have a mutual friend, we speak on the phone a lot and FB too. I'm not sure if she knows about my movement, but she is a GLBTQ. A rainbow (: 

She knows about my rapping and has listened to it some. She likes it as much as my other friends, and pretty much everyone has heard me now because I'm on soundcloud.com and grooveshark.com 

(www.soundcloud.com/cerrayaslaughtersyou)

(/http://grooveshark.com/#!/search?q=cerrayaslaughtersyou) 

I rap about being bisexual and the gay community, a lot. Obviously this contrasts the interests and attitude of the very nature of rap itself. But I am strong and confident, assured that I can and will, and I  do, bring bisexuality to the table of issues discussed more often in rap. Never let somebody tell you that a certain style of music is limited to an extent of what it talks about. ever. You do what you want, you follow what makes you happy, if you have true passion about something you will bloom more than you would if you were pursuing something that didn't make you happy.

-Cerraya

Fuck Homophobic Slurs

My Original Logo I made for KTR 

Hey my Rainbowzzz!!! 

So I have no idea if I have any followers yet but..... I'd like you guys to start spreading the word about my blog! :) just send the link around, or share on Facebook and Twitter: 

http://kisstherainbowglbtqacceptancemovement.blogspot.com 

SOOOO anyways, here's the deal- Kiss The Rainbow is against gay slurs, if you follow my movement on any of these social networking sites or just right here, then you know this. If you say them but you wanna follow my movement, then this is a great time to start improving yourself by stopping the use of those words by not only yourself but hopefully others. You know its wrong to slur the gay community, especially if you're a part of it. It is so easy for me to stand up for our community, you need to- too, seriously this is a part of Kiss The Rainbow (KTR) all you gotta do is speak up against the gay slurs when you hear them. 

Here are some of our banned Gay Slurs in KTR:

• Faggot (fag)
• Dyke
• Sodomite 
• Queers (in negative context)
• Homo (in negative context)  

Here are some of our banned phrases that slur the gay community: 

• "That's so gay"
• "That's so homo"  

My Gay Acceptance Movement; How It All Began

Hello to my very first blogger followers (: 

I call my Kiss The Rainbow followers- Rainbowz (yes, with a "Z," and ALWAYS with a "Z"). I am a 15yr old High School student. I started this movement on my own back in August 2011. I am a bisexual female, rapper and poet. At the time when I began my movement it was originally to help myself. It was only the second week of school (my sophomore year) when I started this. I literally had just come back from my long summer break and I had already heard the gay slur "faggot" more than like 10times just in the FIRST week back to school. This infuriated me, I HATE gay SLURS, but especially that one. I figured I had to do something about it. My idea did not come to me till Wednesday of that week, 8-10-11 to be exact (I know this because I thought of my idea while holding a package of skittles and I took a picture with them). At the time, holding my package of skittles, the idea came to me- skittles are my favorite "gay" candy, because they are rainbow colored (: Well, I came up with the title "Kiss The Rainbow Glbtq Acceptance Movement," but wasn't sure what to do with the name I had created. I knew I wanted to speak out against gay slurs. My movement started small, it began with me text messaging friends and telling them to write "Kiss The Rainbow" on themselves the next day (the shortened version of 'Kiss The Rainbow Glbtq Acceptance Movement,'). I told them that I was trying to spread acceptance of the gay community and speak out against the slur "fag" (or "faggot). Over the course of a few weeks, people all over my school were writing "Kiss The Rainbow," on their wrists, hands, arms, chests, wherever I told them to or wherever they chose to that was visible. Some people weren't even sure what it was, but wrote it on themselves because their friends told them to. Most people knew it was my idea and my movement spreading through the school, I made sure that every person I told myself about my movement would pass along the message verbally to the next person they spread the movement to. The word got around quick that I (Mckayla -or Cerraya as people mostly know me as now) had started this movement, getting people to write "Kiss The Rainbow" on themselves. I wanted proof, so I began telling everyone to tell everyone to come to me so I could take a picture of where they had written "Kiss The Rainbow," on themselves. I kept the pictures, uploaded them on to my Facebook page for my movement once I got it started online, or they took pictures themselves. People began coming up to me at my lunch table saying they had heard they had to come to me and show me so I could get their picture, and I didn't even know who some of them were! (: It was awesome. Word got around they were also supposed to speak against the slur "faggot," and ANY other gay slur that I brought to the attention of my movement. Usually everyday I had some sort of theme, something new that my followers had to write on themselves, whether it be "I ban the slur f*g," or "I am Bisexual so accept it," anything I chose. Every time somebody offended the gay community they offended me, so every time I heard a gay slur (most common being "faggot) I spoke up- literally. I would be sitting in class, I would hear someone use the word (regardless of context) and I would say "Are you fucking kidding me?" or "Are you kidding me??!" And then whomever said it would respond and I would say "Yeah that's a gay slur," and they would shut up or continue an argument with me they lost anyways. In front of anyone, anywhere, I would do this. I still do, my movement has expanded and continued. At the time I had gotten a small following of gay and pro gay students who willingly followed me loyally (with the exception of one person in the end) and who are really the reason why my old school heard about my movement. I could not have completely have been heard if it were not for their voices spreading it ear to ear. I was trying to gain acceptance for myself, being bisexual, as my friends knew- but now all my peers and teachers now, this was my way of coming out publicly. It helped me gain acceptance (more than I got discrimination and hate) and become an image for my other classmates and friends that were too afraid to talk about being gay or bisexual or whatever, and an image for those who needed it. For at least five months I had NO ONE to talk to about my confusion before I understood who I was, I felt alone, scared, depressed and majorly suicidal. Even after telling some friends one by one, slowly, that I was confused, I still went through depression and denial and the whole process for not knowing who I am. I just wished there had been someone to tell me that what I was going through happens to a LOT of people, fuck- a whole COMMUNITY at some point for most of them. But nobody was there to assure me I would make it through. Even though it was a personal struggle, it was still one that I wish someone had been there for me to be an image of gay power, somebody I KNEW. Lady Gaga and other gay or bisexual celebrities kept me up for a while, but from afar. I needed somebody I could say hello to and ask questions. I had nobody. My friends, after I had told them I was confused- they had no answers, only suggestions. Some of them were bicurious or bisexual themselves, but none of them were standing up for the gay community publicly making statements and making it OK to talk to them. I wanted to be that person for somebody going through what I went through, and I quickly became a known defender of the gay community in my public school. I stood up and allowed myself to be torn apart by gay haters at my school, and online gay haters (some from school) just for whoever was out there and needed that strength. People began coming to me secretly with questions, fears, and positive comments. They loved and still love my image and I have been able to help people, and still do. My main mission is helping the gay community become more socially accepted, seeing as I am a part of it. My movement has made me the bisexual defender of the gay community in school and the biggest, most known gay advocate. I approach gay issues publicly and loudly. I am a very strong, loud, gay advocate with a "no bullshit" (aka homophobia) tolerance. I have no problem speaking exactly what I think when it comes to the gay community in front of any audience despite their views. My movement has allowed me to gain acceptance for myself and gain the strength to come out to my parents. I hope my movement has and is doing that for others following it. I like to say "homophobia is bullshit," and I believe that. My movement stands FOR gay acceptance (of all sexualities that are NOT straight, that's what I mean by gay) stands FOR gay marriage, stands FOR the REMOVAL of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," military policy that has been taken down, FOR gay rights, AGAINST homophobia, AGAINST gay SLURS, AGAINST any gay hate, AGAINST gay bashing and discrimination. These views are my personal views, but most of my followers stand for these views (obviously) but they are NOT required. Straight supporters welcome (we have some) I don't care what you are (gay, lesbian, bisexual, transsexual/transgender,questioning (confused/unsure) pansexual (not necessarily gay here, but pansexuality holds the belief that it is POSSIBLE to fall in love with anyone regardless of gender, so you could like the same sex) I don't care if you're a drag queen, half woman half man, all of these things (if that's possible) I DON'T CARE, if you like the same sex then you are gay in some way, and I love you for it, accept you for it, and stand for you. I don't like everyone just because they are gay or whatever, if you're a fucking asshole then yeah I might dislike you or hate you, but when it comes to your sexuality I will always defend you and stand for you if you are ever bashed for it. You are a part of this community and we gotta stand up for each other at least on that basis strictly. 

If you are my follower on any site with Kiss The Rainbow (KTR) you are my Rainbow. 

Byeee Rainbowz (: 

-Cerraya (Cerraya Mckayla, Cerraya Half A Rainbow -FB- Cerrayaslaughtersyou -soundcloud&grooveshark)