Depression, Post Relationship Pain

I feel almost as if I could be slipping back into my depression, I'm constantly struggling to fight it. Although it went un diagnosed the entire time I had it from when I was 13 to the time I was about 15 and a half. It was severe when I was confused about what was going on with me not knowing why I liked a girl, but once I discovered what I am, the winter before my 15th birthday, I only had mild depression, mainly because I was stuck halfway in the closet ( I told friends but not my family yet) so I was scared at home, I hid anything and everything that I thought was gay, the simplest emblem of anything rainbow, the word gay or bisexual or lesbian was whispered out of my mouth like a train would hit me upon the word leaving my mouth, so when I spoke of my issues, confusion, or known sexuality to a friend, I took both house phones into my room with the door locked to insure my absolute secrecy. I told my friends not to mention anything I had ever told them about it, at my home, I was depressed. I hid my morbid horrific and suicidal poetry in hot pink suede seat boxes under my window, and within those enormous stacks of detailed poetry, both sexual and depressed and suicidal, was hidden  underneath another box, under plain paper, turned downwards, at the very bottom to conceal itself. And now, once again, since so much has happened, I am spiraling downwards. And I know it, because just as before with the severe depression, I played it off during the day, at school and such. I used to smile all day and feel fine, but on the inside be thinking "why am I confused? Why do i think this way?" and have torturous conflicting feelings and thoughts, but distract myself with the very girl who had ignited my sexual confusion, because it was easier that way- easier to be distracted from the real problem at bay. It's always easier that way than to show other people during the day that you are depressed, when, you are too afraid to admit you may not be straight like you thought and you are just a scared little 13 year old girl, fearing religious torture, hell, not being approved of, self conflict, terror, homophobia, hatred, isolation, and losing everyone you knew and cared about because of it, and not wanting to disappoint them or society. So, it was just easier to pretend that nothing at all abnormal was going on personally, because I thought it was abnormal at the time, when really it's not. Now I feel similar, not exactly the same, but, I'm feeling the urge to replace a very important person in my life, well not entirely, but in a romantic way, to fill the empty hole in which they unthreaded to make within me. So I am feeling the need to excessively flirt and feel like others care and like me, not saying they do not, but, since none of these flirtations are progressing very far as I'd like them to, say to turn into a relationship, it's making me feel not undesirable, but lonely, is love not a mutual thing I may abtain? I have so far before, but it didn't last anywhere past our hearts, but not our actions after all the excessive fighting, thus, here I am with a broken heart that still like a nuisance beats continuing on though I wish it were not so, and my love lives by itself, unattended and un nurtured like a broken forgotten soul. Someone must care for it besides myself, and so in stride I search for that once more- even if I am not ready for it again, I have to.